So this is a format experiment – we’re modeling gallery options.
So this is a format experiment – we’re modeling gallery options.
As much as I love, love, love a 1969 Boss 429 or a 1970 Boss 302, this car is Boss-er. And similarly rare.
This particular one was on display at the 2016 Windgate Festival of Speed, an annual charity show in Scottsdale.
If you could see tomorrow, the way it looks to us today, you’d say incredible…
Ford Motor Company jingle, ca. 1980, hyping the 1981 Escort “world car“
Or, You’ve Come a Long Way, Baby. Or, Why yes, they’re real.
This is the 2013 Ford C-Max Energi “MAV (multi-activity vehicle).” This is the plug in hybrid version – there is a “conventional” hybrid as well. The engines are the same; battery output is not. Not to piddle on a couple billion dollars of R&D, engineering and marketing (words like MAV and “Energi” don’t coin themselves, you know), but basically, the car comes in Prius (regular) and Volt flavors. Except better. Here’s why:
Another feature of the C-MAX Energi is called EV mode. This is a button that lets you switch the vehicle between EV Now, Auto EV and EV Later. So you can choose which mode to drive in – electric only, gasoline only, or a combination of gas and electric.
Kevin from Ford spent 20 minutes translating the story of hybrids into the language of 10 mpg Continental drivers. And explaining power tailgates.
I put a couple miles on this fish, in and around the LV Convention Center.
In four words: Better Than Any Prius. (Or, “Best Escort Wagon Ever.”)
[Ed.: From one of our ghostwriting gigs. First published 1/16/13]
We were invited to drop 500 words on a website tied to a major player in the auto industry, about our experience at CES 2013.
Legal Department (butting in): … well, comedy is [something we usually squash] a kind of hobby of ours. Well– Well, actually, it’s a little more than just a hobby. Reader’s Digest is considering publishing two of our jokes.
Legal Department: Yeah. And perhaps some night we could maybe get together and swap humorous stories for-for fun.
Me: Oh, why not? Maybe play a couple of Adele records. That’d be a hoot.
Yay! Free publicity! Backlinks! Money raining from the sky! Hookers and blow!
Legal Department: That’s a joke right?
Legal Department: We get it.
However, writing for one’s corporate overlords is not like writing on your own site that no one will ever read. They have rules. They have a team of lawyers vetting every syllable.
Legal Department: “Good morning, Detroit.” What the heck is that supposed to mean?
My Editor: I don’t know, Legal Department, I guess it means good morning, Detroit.
Legal Department: And who gave him permission to link YouTubes?
So, to continue the story (as pitched)…
I strolled by an outdoor display featuring a 2013 Shelby GT500 and a sultry Russian spokesmodel explaining the internet radio integration. Helpless to resist my charm and smooth lines, I seduced her right out of…
Legal Department: What do you think you’re doing? You know you’re forbidden to write anything not checked by this office.
Me: What was there to check? I was there.
Legal Department: You know the rules. If this is a legitimate news story, it must go through proper channels.
Legal Department: And you– You are not funny, but you are a maniac… and you’d better start changing your life.
Me: Sirs? Thank you for that constructive criticism. It’s– It’s a privilege to take comedy notes from a department of your stature.
Legal Department: Fine. Just don’t let it happen again.
The [lies] story about the Shelby: Killed. NSFW footage of drifting down Las Vegas Boulevard to the cabaret with the model: Killed. Repeatedly. Punchline about Pandora’s box unlocking the Strip: DOA.
Legal Department: What the Hell was that? “unlocking the Strip?” “boxes?”
Me: Comedy, sir.
Legal Department: “Comedy?” No, no, this is not comedy. Comedy is funny, hysterical-type things.
Me: “Hysterical-type things?” We’re requesting you elaborate, sirs.
Legal Department: Antics, dammit! Comedy of error, like the Keystone cops falling down. General wackiness like that.
Me: Falling down? That’s a sight gag. How would anyone see you fall down on a blog post, sir?
Fine. On to the [golf carts] Hybrids and EVs. You can steer the Ford C-MAX Energi with one pinky. (Legal Department: No you can’t. Two hands on the wheel at all times. Professional driver on closed course. Do not attempt.) It has an observed top speed of Warp 9. We made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.
Legal Department: [reads the story] This is not official news, you loon. As far as I’m concerned, it didn’t happen.
Me: It did happen.
Legal Department: You shut your mouth!
Legal Department: How can you have the gall to compare our electric vehicles with golf carts… and rear-end “collisions”?
Me: Well, I was– It just comes up. I was trying to be funny.
Legal Department: Funny is good. Funny is good.
Legal Department: But then do it by using comedy and humour… not “hooking into the rough” and “rear end” remarks. Furthermore, you are to stick to linking normal modes of YouTubes… not wild stuff.
Epilogue: After an actual attempt to pass corporate muster on the first pass, and several edits later, our work is scheduled to be posted on the internet, on a legitimate site, and without the usual tears and extortion that usually serve our publicity department so well.
Me: Sir, in my heart, I know I’m funny.
My Editor (after shopping the draft around): We got one email from a man who thought that your “comedy” was “visionary and interesting.” The other eleven hundred emails and texts say that you can’t do comedy to save your dick!… That’s a direct quote, dude.
Post Script. Of course, we’re kidding! The whole experience was great, and we’re grateful for it. Even for getting fact checked like we’re Mitt Romney.
My original dedicated car blog is back. Visit it here. I raised it from a mere line of code to a PR3 site. Then I discovered that my innovative name was being used by a guy in New York. We can fight all day about who was first or whether the name was something protected or protectable in the first place.
Since the NY guy is a published author and a better artist, I mothballed the site for a year. Same domain, same content, different site name.
We’ll keep KMA going as well, but that might be in line for a reimagining. And some weight loss editing, since there is a bit of content overlap.
In Phoenix, we have car pool lanes. During commuter hours, you need two passengers or risk a $350 fine. We do this to save gas when we save rides.
Exhibit A – Scion
Exhibit B – an asshole in an ’06 Mustang
Exhibit C – Mr. President
So, what do we have:
A – 32 person (1) miles per gallon – car pool violation
B – 28 person (1) miles per gallon – car pool violation
44 person (2) miles per gallon – felony speed but knock yourself out on the car pool, kids
C – 18 person (2) miles per gallon – knock yourself out on the car pool, kids
So exactly how are we saving gas worthy of a car pool in a ’78 Lincoln?
Karma: You asshole. You are the worst person ever, driving a Lincoln in the car pool lane when you coulda bought a Prius.