Life imitates… life?

2000 Dodge Grand Caravan Sport2000 Dodge Grand Caravan Sport

A million years ago, my Hyundai was a piece of shit, and the wife wanted a minivan.  A $27,000 7 passenger minivan.  Why that one?  Because the second row had built in booster seats.  Any van could have managed the soccer mom, grocery getter jobs, but we needed a palatial stretch with painted bumpers and a useless spoiler in order to get the bucket seats that folded down into boosters, so that kid 2 didn’t need a separate booster seat.

(Yes, I went along with this bullshit.  Mea culpa. I didn’t do the math and I hoped to get laid out of the deal.

Karma:  What a shock.

Or at least rank higher than the kids.)

Anyway, the point is a $13,000 premium for excess capacity, some pointless doodads, just to get the convenience of not moving a booster seat from car to car or just buying a new one for Kid 2.  (and a surrendered man card.)  But the kid was worth it.

Fast forward to 2011.  Wife is now EXwife.  Kid 2 is explicitly behind Kid 1 in that house, which is not news.  What is news, is that she is explicitly behind the boyfriend.*  So much so that ex cut her loose – “Go live with your dad.”

*Kid 1 is likely also behind the BF in most respects, but that is more of a subliminal message and a race to 18 before she figures it out at this point.

The good news for Kid 2:  Dad has the palace.  Kid 2 doesn’t have to worry about rankings or position because home means not keeping score.  Kid 2 does chores and gets breakfast.  And, Dad got his man card back.

I’ll take collossal mistakes for $27,000

2000 Dodge Grand Caravan Sport
My man card is hereby surrendered


Wife:  I hate this car – it’s old.
Wife:  We could get a minivan.
Wife: Here’s a minivan with built in booster seats so Kid # 2 doesn’t inconvenience us with moving the booster from one car to the other. It’s only $10,000 more than the base model and only $15,000 more than a year old used one.
Car Salesman: You can lease it for three years @ $479 a month!
Wife: Yay!
Me: *maybe I’ll get laid out of this*


Wife:  I hate minivans.  I want a jeep!
Car Salesman:  You can have this Jeep Liberty with almost no options, not even 4WD and save $80/mo. to say you drive a Jeep with less utility than that van!
Wife:  Yay!
Me: *maybethis time I’ll get laid out of this*
Wife:  *of course he will! (Just not in the literal sense, except for once, three years from now)

Nothing else to say, really.

1977 Mercury Monarch

1977 Mercury Monarch
Is that a Mercedes? Uh, no.

What the hell was wrong with us in the 70s?

  • Ford Falcon chassis (basically) – is this what the Mustang would have become, if it didn’t turn into a Pinto?
  • 250 OHV I-6 from a John Deere
  • It had a 4 speed stick (unless it was a 3)
  • Was unable to handle golf balls from, uh, space, without dimpling its trunk.

Dodge Crew Cab

What the hell was wrong with us in the 70s?

Dodge Crew Cab
Creamsicle or Dorkmobile?

  • Crew cab.  Those were not cool then (like they are now).   It’s an afterthought.
  • Orange over tan, with a white roof?  WTF.  Tri-tones went out in the 50s.
International Harvester Dodge Crew Cab
the cab is still dorky

Ok, maybe it’s white, not tan

  • Dork mirrors?  (Yes, I know these were not invented yet.)
  • That cap.  Jeez.  There are worse.  I always liked the over-cab camper.
  • My Mustang has bigger tires.  And better wheels.
  • No, it ain’t got a hemi.  Not even close.
  • Oh look! An International Havester trucklet!