Lee Iacocca Just Rolled Over In His Grave


Ford Mustang cancer blobs
the San Francisco treat

The Ugliest Mustang Ever Or, how to turn a goddess into a walmart parking lot joke.

  1. Two fake hood scoops
  2. fake fender scoops
  3. Fake rear window scoops
  4. blocked (less functional) grille
  5. blinky mirrors (almost cool)
  6. built in rear wheel flares (cool)
  7. ugly fake slits on the flares
  8. notched side skirts
  9. uglified wheels.
  10. bigger rear wheels. Oh wait. More understeer. Brilliant
  11. least functional splitter/air dam ever – no speed humps for you.
  12. Lame rear wing
  13. barbecue grill paint

God help us for what they did inside. So let’s see:

  • less cooling
  • more wind resistance
  • more friction losses (fat tires)

Put it all together, and you have shaved 20 pesky mph off the top end. Yay!

The walmart nation will love it. Everyone else? Well, let’s just hope it doesn’t find itself at any ski resorts when there is vodka around, or someone might have a non-verbal comment to make – except that it would be redundant.

Ford “Mustang” II

Ford Mustang II
They shoot horses, don’t they? They should

Where I saw one: North Phoenix. It’s for sale, if you’re a masochist.

Nostalgia factor: -26/10 – THE WORST CAR EVER

Baseline: 0, since I never personally owned one. +1 because Pod had one, -1 for orange, -1 because Yoko had one too, -+1 for Yoko’s being (appropriately) the color of shit, -1 because I never got laid in one, +1 because I never had to drive one, -1 because I did have to drive a couple of Pintos, which are the same thing, +1 because this one has a V-8, -1 because the starter motor in my Mustang puts out more net power, -1 for being unreliable pieces of shit,+1 for not usually being able to explode if they don’t run, +1 for its ability to navigate two track dirt roads, -14 because the sheriffs will laugh and point, +1 for its ability to get airborne, -1 for its inability to land gracefully, +413 for not killing Pod or Phid, -217 for soiling the name “Mustang”,-212 for “Mach One“, “Cobra II ” “King Cobra“, +1 for for being such a regrettable shitbox that the next iteration did not get called “Mustang III,” which would therefore legitimize the “II”s as “real” Mustangs, +2 because this complete disaster of a “car” at least this allowed Pod and Phid (by proxy) to join me, 8 Barrel and my gigolo Dad as Mustang owners – Pod and Phid’s membership just comes with an asterisk for the whole Pinto in drag thing: at least 8’s precursor and mine have respectable DNA. (Or at least less unrespectable DNA).